Heather, Calluna Vulgaris, Rather
Ah this incorrigible Heather, she´s so Vulgaris. Well, at least in Latinglish, they Call her one, (Calluna Vulgaris). I don´t have her in my Call Girl catalog yet, but for a fee, she can be yours.
Heather is an important flower to many people, particularly the Scots, not me, wink wink. Purple heather flowers are seen as symbols of admiration, raspact, protection, n love. See, here you have it, why I wear your skirts upside down n grope everything skirtlike, blame it on the goddamn Scots.
Heather is a small evergreen shrub that maxes out at two feet tall n three feet wide, so sexy, I insist on resisting her, ah. It has many spikes covered in small evergreen leaves, n numerous small flowers form on each spike. Ah, so badass, when I see spikes, I think Black Metal. The plant’s foliage changes color throughout the year. She turns me into stained folly, n on, n on, n off, she leaves me on, she gets me off, OMG! The plants have a subtle fragrance, musky or woodsy. However, the flowers also have a slightly sweet smell, preventing all bitterness in me. Kind of. Not really.
Heather plants are native to areas throughout Europe, especially in regions with acidic soil n shrubby habitat. These scary fabrics of my life are often found in heaths n moors, hence her unfortunate name, so fucking vulgar. Ah, such an ambiguously unblemished soul, but I assure you she´s more than a symbol of innocence, orgy, n good luck, even outside Urope, where I came across her, not to double-cross her, ah, so beautiful! Oops!
The name Calluna comes from the Greek word Kallyno, or Cali no!, but Cali yes!, which means to sweep clean. Nope, no Greek sex, pal, FYI, the act of anal intercourse between a man n woman, bend over n take in the ass. You know my house is worse than an apocalyptic mess. Yup, she will sweep you clean, removing all your dirty dollars n euros once n for all. For good, obviously. This is because heather branches are often used in brooms. Oh, no worries, I assure you, again, she´s not a witch, possibly a deliciously nutritious love sandwich, I haven’t snacked her yet, speaking of a snake. Well, we just have a little charmed lovecraft deal, ripping dirty-minded individuals off, a little bit. Want her? Pay me, I’m her pimpo!
She´s my adorably cute monkey who quickly n easily gets high on my banana republic. Err, I wanted to say this beautiful botanical moniker refers to the white, pink, or purple evergreen flowering shrubs that thrive on the peaty barren lands of Scotland. Over time, the plant spread to other areas, taking root in many people´s hearts, tell me about it. Heather can now be found growing wildly in New Zealand, Australia, n the United States. You want her, you gotta domesticate her, or pay me a fee. I don´t have the balls for that. Or do I? Let me Czech my marbles, Marbella, got them!
She told me she wasn´t being promiscuous at the moment. I told her I didn´t mind, that I was also a virgin. I was like Forrest Gump. I asked her if I could have her without deflowering her petal republic. But she just giggled, holding my hand, making eyes and grimaces, biting her lips, licking her lips. I loved her n didn´t know what more to say, so rather clumsily, I started to sing the following song, with my melonaire stutter, in which Conan Gray, looks n sounds pretty gay to me, croons about an unrequited love for someone who is in love with someone else, named Heather … like I didn´t have enough of Bermuda triangles n similar brown shine. Oops! Even Subtract refuses to remove the last word. For authenticity´s sake? Hey Substack, are you mocking me?
I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater
You said it looked better on me than it did you
Only if you knew how much I liked you
But I watch your eyes as she
Walks by
What a sight for sore eyes
Brighter than the blue sky
She's got you mesmerized while I die
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester
But you like her better
Wish I were Heather
Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand
Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder
But how could I hate her? She's such an angel
But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she
Walks by
What a sight for sore eyes
Brighter than the blue sky
She's got you mesmerized while I die
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester
But you like her better
I wish I were Heather
I wish I were Heather
(Oh, oh)
Wish I were Heather
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester
But you like her better
Wish I were
Here are some of the most popular cultivars to look out for I fall for:
Firefly: deep purple flowers with stunning foliage that changes from bright green to orange to crimson red. Flying feels so good when on fire.
Dark Beauty: has dark red flowers that contrast against dark green foliage. Ah beauty, you´re always beautifully cruel!
Spring torch: stunning foliage that starts out green with yellow/red tips and changes to orange and purple in the fall. Heaven is a trampoline that might land us in hell, if not on earth.
The flowers typically begin blooming in the mid to late summer and continue blooming into the early or mid-fall. Aha.
Ah mutualism, sinbio again. Their flowers attract many pollinators, including numerous species of bees. Baby waspy, don´t look at me! The plants also serve as host plants for butterfly larvae, such as the small emperor, me?, moth. In their native range, they’re also an important food source for wildlife. I gotta eat, shrugging it off. Since they’re evergreen, they serve as winter and early spring food for deer and sheep. OMG, they nabbed me, I´m the black sheep of the family, I didn´t know, I just listen to Black Metal, heathens, err, frickin’ Heathers, blow me, discreetly! I mean blow my solemnly Scottish bagpipe without lifting my miniskirt of decency. Beware, my chastity belt is on, you do know, you´ve put it on me, until all my needs are met! Ah baby, you´ve been so generous, thank you.
Various species of grouse also feed on tender shoots as well as seeds. The tips of heather shoots have many culinary uses, including the brewing of herbal teas and ales. While heather was used in all sorts of beers, it was often a primary ingredient in gruit, a beer flavored with herbs other than hops. Well, I don´t drink but still need some sympathy. My consolation prize is that I´m not the only shooter around, if I understood their “culinary” hint, a bad banana republic screw word in Nicaraguan Spanish I´ve had obviously nothing to do with ever since the colonial conquistadores times, I swear to Columboss, err, Colonbombon boom boom, you know what I mean.
Basically, 'Heather' is the popular, beautiful, "desirable" person that everyone is in love with n wants to be with. Except me! Right, baby? On TikTok, people post videos (set to the tune of Conan's song) saying they wish they were Heather, or about the time they lost out on their crush because their crush had found a Heather.
Hey, what´s up, Heather? You are an amazing person, wink wink, that defines what a woman should be. She's caring, honest, strong, sweet, gorgeous, funny, talented, firm, witty, loaded with sex appeal or money! So, congratulations on receiving quite the compliment charging you only 100 buicks.
Yep, Heather is a lovely name, it's quite delicate n graceful in its own unique way. Almost like a rose growing through concrete. I can´t even see it in the picture, the rose. Oh, the extremely tall chick is Heather Storm, go figure, where the unseen Heather´s heathen gone, n with whom. Baby, don´t look at me, again! I would need a ladder to climb her sky, plus, I´m down to earth and hate Ohio, Ohio no, ah, I came back. What were you saying, nun Heather? Where we 8? I´m on a sex diet? I´m over wait? Since when? 8 months, 9, pregnant? No way! Are you traumatized? By me? I´m fainting, I need bed music therapy. Conan the Barbarian was right, who needs some fuckin’ Heather, pure vulgarity! Pour me a pint of Scoochie Coochie, err, the hottt whiskey, so that I can slumber like you, Sleeping Beauty! Oki doki, I´m talking to the winning or whining Heather-laced losers called me, myself, and I. Like Conan Gray, not Dorian Gray, like Conan el Barbaro, not Mr Grey from the Fifty Shags Of Dismay, though I’m definitely Christian, not heathen, dazed. I want my Heather, to weather me! Baby, if you’re cold, I’m your sweater, I’m not just polyester!
… while watching her skirtless beauty, where Heather makes me come, come from …
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I'm enjoying our honeymoon in the Scottish highlands. I❤️U my sweater!!!